Focusing (or not)

There are certain things I like to do each day to make me feel as if it's been worth the effort of dragging myself out of bed. I'm not a morning person and other than that delicious cup of coffee first thing, there isn't much to lure me from the warm covers. The workday is something to be gotten through, unfortunately, and mostly I look forward to my time in the evenings. I stay up too late trying to fit in all the things that make a day worthwhile to me. When the weather and increased daylight allow it, I'm outside for as many hours as possible. Weekends and other days off from work are filled with as many postive and fun things as I can manage. I go to bed early and contented on the weekends.

I've often thought that I'd be happiest in a job that allowed me spend most of the workday outdoors. This realization only really came to me after I finished two degrees, both of which confine my days to a desk or a classroom. Before deciding to start my master's so that I could teach and have the summers off, I used to daydream about a job picking vegetables. Or delivering mail. Anything to avoid sitting at a desk all day surrounded by people and their negativity. And office politics. I taught full-time for a few years and enjoyed summers free of any responsibility but to my own joy. I then decided to teach just part-time and took courses in horticulture and volunteered with a few favorite environmental organizations. I took a second part-time job with the park system as a naturalist. I learned to play the tin whistle, although not well.

Then other stuff came along and I had to go back to full-time work because, while I was having plenty of fun, I wasn't making enough money at any of it. Being a grown-up stinks. So now I have the full-time job and all the drudgery that entails, plus I teach part-time, and still volunteer for a few groups. I've had to let the tin whistle fall by the wayside. I wasn't making very much progress with it anyway, plus it scared the bunnies. My point (I think) is that all of our lives are very full and that's a good thing. At least, for me it is. I'm not really focused in my interests and I'm as likely to pick up something new as I am to let something go when I find that it's not working for me. Must be the Gemini in me.

One constant in my life and something that keeps me focused is nature and a love of the outdoors. Everyday I try to find some little bit of time to spend there. I look to it for optimism and strength. I look to it for the beauty that is so often lacking in other aspects of daily life.

Five beautiful things that I've spotted recently are:

• 9 deer browsing in the woods where I like to walk the dog. I've never seen deer there, and was happy to see 5 of them with antlers proudly raised to watch me as I passed by.
• Snowdrops blooming in a neighbor's hillside garden, amid ice-covered branches that fell in the recent icestorm.
• The endless shades of brown in a field of corn stubble, weeds, and winter trees.
• Sandy Hook Bay is mostly frozen; if I focus on the near distance instead of the houses and naval base on the far shore, I can imagine that I'm looking at glaciers in the Arctic. Some seals would add to that effect.
• The crows who have been warily visiting my feeders this week, snatching up peanuts and stale bagels. They never seem as beautiful as they do in the stark days of winter.

A multitude of small delights constitute happiness. -Charles Baudelaire