Tuesday, December 09, 2008


Sometimes it feels as if the entire space he carved out in the world has simply closed over.

A coworker the other day noticed the faraway look in my eyes and asked what I was thinking about. "I'm trying to find something in my mind," I told her. I have this penchant for losing track of stuff and then becoming obsessed with finding whatever it is. Often this necessitates tearing the house or my desk apart.

A couple weeks ago the search was for a handwritten note from my dad; one he'd written years ago to accompany the return of some money I'd loaned him. It wasn't some thank-you note, mind you, but instead a sort of brief family history. The theme of that history was money, specifically loaned money, and detailed my father's firmly held belief that what goes around, in terms of generosity, comes around.

Anyway... the deta
ils of the note and our family's financial history are probably too personal to share here, but suffice it to say that I really wanted to find that note and feel the connection to my dad that it represents. I don't have much else tangible to remember him with. When I first came across the note a couple years ago, I'd probably put it aside for safekeeping and now it's lost forever.


The other day at work I somehow started thinking about the small gold cross my dad gave me as a little girl. I'd worn it exclusively for years, on a necklace that had been my mom's. I have even fewer tangible thngs to remember her with, save that necklace and a pair of earrings and her wedding band. I'd been obsessively hunting for that necklace and cross the last couple days and wasn't able to put my hands on it. I found every other piece of jewerly I own, mind you, but not that simple cross my dad had given me so many years ago.

This put me in a bit of a funk, you know? Granted, my foul mood wasn't only about that, but oftentimes some seemingly inconsequential thing is the trigger for major crankiness.

The people closest to me must be used to this part of me by now, the part that hangs the *do not disturb* sign on the door and disappears from them without any warning. Those with more open hearts don't often understand the need of some to draw inward, in self-preservation, when life gets to be too much.

I've learned how to take my space when it presses in too closely, even when I can't physically wander away. Plenty of people don't understand that about me, don't understand the secret hiding places I can curl myself into, that you can't win anything by force with me, that there is no prying me out of my muteness.

I recognize it straight-away when I meet with this trait in others. Often it's a child, but there's plenty of people who've grown to adulthood processing the world in the same instinctual way I do, people who live everything from a place very deep inside. We recognize each other, somehow, and meet somewhere in the open between backing off and standing by. That's a sweet spot, I think. A place of acceptance. A place where the things we hold onto and the lengths we hold on is understood and trusted.

(Oh and I finally found
my necklace. All is right with the world again.)



Susan Gets Native said...

Oh, do I know what you mean about the "Do Not Disturb" sign...I have one. A big one.

Glad you found the necklace. And that note is SOMEWHERE. You will find it.

LauraHinNJ said...

Susan: Yeah... I get that about you, I think.


And I will find that note... I can see where it is in my mind at least.

Jayne said...

So glad you found it Laura. My mom once hid some jewelry when they went on a trip. Took her months to "find" where she'd safely hidden it. LOL. You'll find that note. It will just simply come to you where you stashed it. :c)

RuthieJ said...

I'm glad you found your necklace Laura. I know the feeling of frustration that comes from not being able to find something you just KNOW you have....somewhere.

NCmountainwoman said...

I have such readable body language that few people miss my "do not disturb" posture.

Nice post, and great duck photographs.

bobbie said...

I'm glad you found the necklace. The note will turn up again, when you least expect it. That's the way it always happens to me.

KGMom said...

Your talisman. Your touchstone.
I am glad you found it, and I agree the note will turn up too someday.
My problem is I find things--put them somewhere where I absolutely cannot forget them. . .and then forget where I put them.

Lynne said...

I get it Laura.

And it makes me REALLY NUTS (as in angry) when I can't find something sentamentally important.

Rabbits' Guy said...

Yes, and some of us are kind of the opposite ... have WAY too much crud and EVERYBODY gets a piece of us.

LauraHinNJ said...

Jayne: Yeah... I hide stuff all the time that way.

Ruthie: I partly think it's old age creeping up.


NCMountainWoman: No poker face on you either?


Bobbie: It'll be a nice surprise then.

KGMom: Old age creeping up!


Lynne: Yeah, thanks.

Rabbit'sGuy: lol!

dguzman said...

I don't think I realized this about you. And what's worse, I don't know if I am like this too--but I don't think so. I tend to reach out to a friend for comfort when I'm feeling freaked out or whatever.

Interesting. And I'm glad you found the cross. In that sense (OMG where is it!) we are very much alike.